Night Monkey vs. Patrick Garland

Night Monkey

'Night, Monkey

Justin hasn’t got a chance today. As if some British actor could hold a candle to this crazy-eyed, Yoda-looking South American monkey. And even if he could, our monkey man doesn’t need his damn candle, because night monkeys can see in the dark! Tournament of Everything being, as it is, a blog, means that any animal who appears in the Tournament is at an immediate advantage: after all, hilarious/adorable photos and videos of animals are what the internet is for.

To be perfectly honest, most non-human primates kind of freak me out. They are so similar to humans and their eyes are full of judgment and stories like this one will just about break your heart. But night monkeys are about as dissimilar from people as primates get. They are not creepily human-looking like chimpanzees; they’ve got long tails and leap around like kittens. They look more like tiny fuzzy alien elves.

In addition to the hilarious visuals that night monkeys provide, they are also extremely helpful to us humans health-wise. They are one of the few monkey species affected by the deadly malaria virus, and while animal experimentation is an awful thing, so is dying from malaria.

Uh oh, now I’ve bummed you out. Hey, look! A monkey!

VS.

Patrick Garland

Um, I couldn't find any photos of Robert Garland so I thought I'd use a photo of his lovely wife, Alexandra Bastedo. Hey, night monkeys are a tough opponent.

Just in time for the Oscars, for your consideration, Patrick Garland. OK, so maybe you’ve never heard of him. But just because he hasn’t slept with anyone noteworthy (at least, not that the tabloids are smart enough to care about. Alexandra Bastedo! Garland, you dog you … a bit off topic), doesn’t mean that he isn’t at least 10 times more interesting and capable than your typical Hollywood star.

Garland is multi-talented. And when I say that, I mean he has acted, written and directed works for the stage and screen. Not multi-talented in the way that your typical Hollywood star is, like, “Oh, I thought it’d be neat to direct! Tee-hee!” Garland’s credits come in a variety of work. His 1971 television film adaptation of The Snow Goose won a Golden Globe and was nominated for a BAFTA and an Emmy. He directed the revival of My Fair Lady on Broadway. And he still had time to help set up Poetry International, a festival celebrating, well, poetry, in his spare time. And he and his wife hang out with Prince Charles. It’s not that I care much for royalty, but it’s not like Prince Charles is going to hang out with just anyone. I agree, night monkeys are totally awesome. But they won’t give you Shakespeare. Garland’s directed it.

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Published in: on March 4, 2010 at 9:59 am  Leave a Comment  

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